Toxic People - How they can and do affect your life.

Toxic is a word I have come across many times so far in the US.  Toxic people, and toxic worry, are common phrases here.  It is not a term widely used in the UK. Toxic people are typically called bullies.  The dictionary definition of a bully is an annoyer, antagoniser, browbeater, intimidator, oppressor, tormenter or persecutor.

So, who or what are toxic people?

Toxic people are those who have either been in your life or are in your life right now. They are the individuals that cause or have caused you upset and anguish.  They may have left you with emotional scars, which have resulted in you developing low self-esteem and having little or no self-confidence.  This is the result of their actions or words.

How many of us can remember a comment, either from our childhood or adulthood, that we can still hear now? This comment has stayed with us and has warped our opinion of ourselves or, worse, has contributed to low self-esteem, low self-confidence, or to a complex about our appearance, and has shaped what we believe we are as a person.

The comments may have been flippant or made in jest, as toxic people and bullies are renowned for passing remarks then quickly follow the comment with, 'but I was only joking!' Remarks like these, especially when heard in childhood, are instrumental in us developing an in-built belief about ourselves and it can affect how we think everyday.

Comments like 'fat slob' said by a school classmate may have led to the onset of anorexia in some cases. We have all read about the unfortunate teenagers who have taken their own lives as they could no longer face hearing disparaging words from school bullies; it's tragic! The majority of us, thankfully, don't resort to such drastic measures. Instead we keep the thoughts inside of us and sometimes persecute ourselves with reminders of what was said.

Nobody knows you better than you know yourself. That is a fact.  Irrespective of what others may tell you, nobody knows who and what you are as well as you.  Doubt begins to creep into our minds when we try to understand how others perceive us.  More importantly, we place value upon this perception above the knowledge we have of ourselves.  We can never know how we are truly perceived by the people we encounter on a daily basis. It's impossible.

Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) has taught me a very important fact.  One person's sense of reality is not the same as another person's sense of reality.  Let me explain. We are bombarded with millions of bits of information every second of every day and our brains are not equipped to process each bit of information.  Thus, we process by deleting, distorting or generalising the information which is presented via our senses.  Once the information is processed we store it to our memory, but first we adapt the information based upon our filters, which include our beliefs, values, memories, attitudes, decisions, and meta programs (which in simple terms means habits of thinking).  Thus, everybody experiences life differently, as we each have unique ways of filtering the information, and as such, embedding memories. Such experiences and memories therefore become unique to each individual person.  Our experiences contribute further towards developing our beliefs, values, attitudes etc. Thus, we end up with a unique interpretation of reality.  If you ask two people, who have been present at the same place in time, to describe that event, it will result in two vastly different renditions of the same event.  This is because our perception and interpretation and subsequently our memory of the event, is unique. It is based upon how we filtered the information presented to us.

So, if you wonder about what other people perceive you to be, you are wondering how they are processing the information presented to them about you and their interpretation of reality.  Hearing a disparaging comment can contribute to us forming a belief about ourselves based upon the opinion or interpretation of somebody else.  Thus this belief about yourself is based upon another person's judgement of you.  We can even start to believe this to be true and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Who has the right to judge you anyway?  By giving credence to another's opinion it allows us to discount our own beliefs about ourselves.  Your opinion is the most honest, plausible, understanding of who you are isn't it?

Many people can go through life not really getting to the bottom of or quite fully understanding who they are and what they like and dislike.  Generally, people can tell you much more easily what they don't like rather than what they do like.  Their thoughts are all geared towards negative perception.  If we hear negative comments about ourselves therefore we can immediately begin to doubt ourselves and believe another persons 'perception' of ourselves above our own.  Toxic people are renowned for being particularly jealous, envious, and in the main suffering from low self-esteem themselves. This is their way of dealing with their low opinion of themselves, by having a very low opinion of others.  Why is that? They have probably spent years listening to disparaging comments made about them, been ignored in childhood by a parent or have abandonment issues.  They are basically using learned behaviour and are stuck in this loop.  The average toxic person is intent on discrediting another individual due to their perceived threat or because the toxic individual is jealous or envious.
If you were to begin to believe that when you hear a toxic person pass comments about you that are negative that they are merely passing judgement because they see you as a threat, are jealous or envious of you, then that would make a refreshing change wouldn't it?

Toxic people are prevalent in workplaces all around the world, and can even be a family member,  In such instances it can be very difficult to distance yourself from that influence in your life.  You cannot change that person but remember you can change how you react or respond to their influence and ultimately what you believe about yourself.
We will never rid the world of the toxic people, the bullies, but we can learn to disregard their words, better still, ignore them completely as we allow ourselves to believe the best about who we are, and to be fully confident.

Getting to know and fully understand yourself and being confident in your own abilities and not allowing others to upset or antagonise you is possible.  Ridding yourself of years of replaying hurtful comments from childhood is possible too.  If you believe you are a toxic person, you too can change years of unwanted behaviour.
Hypnosis is a great tool for building confidence and ridding yourself of low self esteem, by changing the beliefs you have about yourself at the unconscious level.  Hypnosis can pass positive affirmation into your unconscious mind, bypassing your conscious mind, to produce dramatic changes.  Be confident about who and what you are and begin today, learn to love the new confident you. Make that change today.

I welcome your comments about what I've written.  If you would like to discuss any of the above in greater detail or you have had or are having to deal with a toxic person in your everyday life and would like to talk about this you can e-mail me directly at Ri_new@ymail.com.

Until next time.

Maria

Guilt - How does it affect you every day?

Guilt. Where does it come from?  Do we each have a 'Jiminy Cricket', similar to Pinocchio, sitting on our shoulders 24/7 telling us and advising us when to feel guilty, informing us when we haven't conformed to society's norm or bringing to our attention when we have acted selfishly? 
How does that conscience 'character' develop and why do we listen to it so intently when it speaks to us?  

I was brought up in a Christian family and was instructed to go to confession from an early age to confess my wrong-doings, my sins.  It was my interpretation of my wrong-doings at the tender age of 7 that inspired me to 'confess' and this subsequently helped to formulate guilt in my mind and led me to invent my own, personal inner judge, my 'Jiminy Cricket'.  I would sit in front of another human being, tell them of my failings, then with God's intervention, I was absolved of my sins.  At aged 7, I hadn't broken any of the ten commandments, yet there I was, sitting in an isolated room talking to another person, whom I couldn't see, confessing my guilt.  I had learnt, at the age of 7, how to recognise and formulate guilt.

Is guilt the yardstick we measure ourselves against in Western society?  Is it a way of letting us know when we have or haven't conformed with a certain behaviour in order to be accepted?  Or, did it develop in ancient times to demonstrate how law abiding citizens should act so that society could stand a chance?

Whichever, we can take feelings of guilt too far, to the point where it starts to affect our everyday life.  We can be consumed by it, and yet in most cases, it is merely a matter of our own opinion.  When we gauge our behaviour against others, it is self criticism, it is self deprecating, and most of all it can be very destructive as to how we perceive ourselves as a person.

Guilt does not serve you, it undermines you. Moreover, it can undermine your confidence, and can ultimately lead to lower self-esteem.  

Who first outlined the blueprint against which you should judge yourself so harshly? Was it your parents, your teachers, your faith, or your peers?  When you don't meet the criteria that you have set in your own mind you subsequently begin to deride yourself internally.  Where does that come from?

Typically, it is self-made, it is your own opinion, as most of us in society are law abiding citizens, generally living harmonious lives.
If we constantly feel guilty about our actions and behaviours this will have an adverse effect on our health. 

Recently I read a very interesting book, Deepak Chopra's "Quantum Healing" which challenges the premise that it's only the brain that thinks.  Deepak Chopra refers to work completed by Dr Candace Pert, whereby she coined the phrase 'bodymind'.  From her research into neuropeptides, (neuropeptides are chemicals responsible for carrying messages from the brain to receptors in other parts of the body) Pert believes that their very existence demonstrates how the mind and body communicate.  These peptides can not only be found in the brain but also in the stomach, your muscles, your glands and all major organs, sending messages back and forth.  She coined the phrase 'bodymind' after years of revolutionary research and claims that emotion creates the bridge between mind and body.  She offered insight into how our minds, and how we think, can affect our body - the mind body connection, via the peptides and subsequent receptors, bridged by emotion, means that every part of us is affected by our thinking.

Thus, when you feel guilty it's not only in your mind, it can be in your kidneys, your liver, your stomach, etc.  Negative thoughts, therefore, can penetrate throughout your very being.  Imagine how that can affect your health?

Guilt is one of the most destructive of emotions.  We cannot get away from it easily as we have almost conditioned ourselves to listen to that inner voice of criticism.  It's the parent telling the child what to do, it's the installer of fear within us, it can be the inner voice of doubt when we make a decision as to whether this was the right decision?  It is viewing ourselves through the eyes of others and the belief that most people think ill of us.  We can all recall the physical sensation of guilt washing over us, can't we?  It starts at the top of your head and flows right down to the pit of your stomach creating a sickness sensation.  If we consume ourselves with the negative emotion of guilt continually then we are conditioning ourselves to feel inadequate in our own eyes which subsequently affects our health.  Why would we want to choose to do that? 
Shakespeare quoted in one of his famous poems, "but they whose guilt within their bosoms lie, imagine every eye beholds their blame".


Unless we are truly at fault for a serious misdemeanor, then why would we want to hold inside and persecute ourselves with such feelings as guilt?

How refreshing it would be to have a really high opinion of ourselves, to believe in ourselves and say 'hey, I'm not perfect, who is?' Who is that person to judge me anyway and why would I consider their opinion above my own? 

It is not impossible to rid yourself of that negative, internal voice, holding you back. 

One of the greatest releases of emotion came for me when I experienced Time Line Therapy™.  The guilt I had built up over the years was gnawing away at me without me even realising. It was so destructive and so negative for my well-being.  Negative emotions begin with a significant emotional event, then they build up over the years, almost without us realising what is happening.  This then determines why we react to certain situations in ways that sometimes we ourselves don't understand.  Time Line Therapy™ helped me rid myself of this negative emotion in one session, much more so than any confession, because the focus wasn't on what I had felt I had done wrong. Rather, it focused on what I have learned from that experience.  Focusing on the learnings can shift perception to bring about an amazing transformation of oneself, from an adult viewpoint.

Conditioning begins at a very early age and it can be difficult to change our values and our beliefs, which subsequently determine how we perceive life and how we react as a person.  Nevertheless, change can and does happen. We can begin to free ourselves from guilt today, easily and effortlessly. 

As a master practitioner of Time Line Therapy™ and Hypnotherapy I can help you free yourself of negative emotions such as guilt, to enable you to 'sweep away the cobwebs' of your past experiences and your unjustified beliefs about yourself.  If you need advice, why not post a comment to me today? 
I look forward to hearing your comments.  Until next time.

Maria

The Secret of Happiness - where can we find it?

Happiness is a strange phenomenon isn't it?  I was walking through a well-known book shop the other day and a book caught my eye, 'The Science of Happiness' by Stefan Klein, PhD.
It immediately got me thinking about the perception of happiness. What is happiness? Happiness is.... the feeling of being happy, cheerfulness, contentment, enjoyment, euphoria, optimism, hopefulness, laughter or joy.

We have all had thoughts such as I'll be much happier, if only I weighed half a stone or a stone lighter, if only I had a new car, if only I had a different job with a higher salary, if only I had that new pair of shoes, or if only I had more money. Yet, when we get the new car, the new pair of shoes etc, the happiness we thought we would feel is short-lived or in some cases non existent. Why is that?

Many confuse happiness with anticipation and this is neatly summed up by the following quote: 

Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think.  Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.  ~A.A. Milne

Anticipation, linked to surprise, in some respects, can actually satisfy us more than the actual act or event. The chemical reactions in the brain, where a release of the desire chemical Dopamine, brings about the feeling of euphoria, motivation, and desire to achieve a goal, is then passed once we acquire that which we were awaiting, once it arrives.

So, what makes us happy and sustains that feeling?
Is it something that we are born with?  You are either born a happy person or an unhappy person? Is it something we have no control over?  Is it a product of our environment?

There is also a thought that it is easier to focus on unhappiness and sadness than it is to feel happy or be positive in a given situation.

We have to look for happiness within ourselves, nothing or nobody can make us happy, we choose ourselves if we want to be happy or to have happy thoughts.  If we constantly say to ourselves, I'd be much happier if my boyfriend/husband/wife/children were more understanding, loving etc., then we are moving that feeling and emotion beyond our control, and thus external to us.

Reading through the book by Stefan Klein, he does state that we can change this about ourselves, the brain can change if we work at it and encourage it to.
It just takes practise, like anything else, we have to learn how to behave with a happier frame of mind and then eventually if we do it for long enough it becomes a habit!
If you want to be happy you have to choose to be happy and be at cause for your own thoughts and feelings, taking full control.
At the root of gaining true happiness is controlling your thoughts and your actions.  It has been well researched that activity and exercise can lead us to be happier individuals.  The secret is in setting yourself a goal and, no matter how big or how small that goal, even when you achieve partial completion, the sense of achievement brings about a great sense of well being.  The more activity, the more you achieve success, the more this brings about a greater sense of feeling fully alive and contented.  And also, much happiness is found for those people surrounded by friends. Interaction with, and support from, friends has been proven to improve our sense of contentment and ultimate happiness.
As Aristotle said, "No-one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world". 

So, happiness can be found in achieving our goals, by setting ourselves achievable targets to focus on external matters and activities rather than wallowing and navel gazing wondering why happiness hasn't happened in our lives.  If we want happiness we have to get off our backsides and go and find it. It's in self actualisation, it's in conversations with friends, giving and receiving support from others, watching nature and full appreciation of our surroundings.  It's in sharing dinner with our loved ones, smiling with our families, and enjoying the so called simple things in life, those things that with time become our fondest memories.
Dalai Lama denotes "the actual secrets of the path of happiness are determination, effort and time".
So, start living today, start making those memories happen in your life today, tomorrow may be too late.
And remember, as someone once said, "being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections"!


As a master practitioner of NLP, Time Line Therapy™ and Hypnotherapy, I can help you rid yourself of negative emotions, to set you off onto the path of improved happiness and enable you to achieve your goals.  If you need advice, why not post a comment to me today?
I look forward to hearing your comments, until next time.

Pushing your boundaries - going beyond your comfort zone

Well, I did it, I moved over to California on Monday in an attempt to realise my potential and achieve my goal.  I have pushed my boundaries and certainly gone beyond my comfort zone that's for sure!
My goal is to become self employed and to begin to help people to realise their potential, rid themselves of negative emotion, become at one with the universe and really feel good about themselves and their achievements.
We are all blighted by issues, but most people persevere with them day after day not wanting to or not knowing how to rid themselves of the one or two things that may prevent them from being truly happy inside and living life to the full.
I hope that this forum will be used by people who are unsure about how to do that and want to help themselves become more comfortable in their own skin.
As a master practitioner of NLP, a Time Line Therapist and Hypnotherapist my aim was take this into the world to make a difference.  Imagine if you had access to the simple tools and techniques used to rid you of the little voice inside of you that tells you that you are not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough etc.  These are the daily negative feelings that hold us back and cause us not to go for what we want in life, and make us unhappy.  More often than not it's not the people around us that make us unhappy, it's that little voice inside of us sabotaging our amazing potential.  We all have the potential to realise our dreams and be content with who we are.  We can start today too.
More often than not people choose to be on the effect side of the equation.  By this I mean they can always blame something or someone for not achieving what they want to achieve, goals they may have set themselves and ultimate happiness.  So many people can recite many reasons for not being at their ideal weight, not being in their ideal job, not living in their ideal house etc.  Yet, more often than not the same people do not have goals and have not set out a plan for their life, they take what is thrown at them and moan about how unlucky or unfortunate they are.  Being at cause for your life is the option chosen by most successful and happy people in this world.  Taking control by living by your choices and accepting failure then moving on is at the heart of their success.  How do you know that you are not good at something unless you try?
All of us at some point in our lives have talked ourselves out of an opportunity and a possibility to do something or be something different to who/what we are today?  I can recall a time when I took singing lessons in order to improve my singing in church as I was chosen to sing the odd solo in front of the church congregation.  In an attempt to improve myself and afford the congregation a more spiritual experience I engaged in singing lessons.  To my surprise the lady tutoring me asked me if I had thought of auditioning for a show/production?  My initial reaction was to laugh out loud..was she just saying this to boost my confidence or did she really believe that I had the potential to be able to carry this off?  I went home to think about this, I practically floated home.  Little did she know that having watched the Sound of Music, Mary Poppins and the like, as a little girl my dream was to sing in a musical - could this be my opportunity to realise my dream??  I spoke with my husband at the time, he laughed and said how are you going to do that, work and look after the children?  Of course, what was I thinking, I had responsibilities.  I did not pursue this opportunity and only now in hindsight do I realise that this was a golden opportunity for me and me alone. I didn't take it up, I refused to go beyond my comfort zone and push my boundary.  I have regretted this decision since then.  You too can live your life with regrets but when in later life you look back you may wish you had taken up the opportunities afforded to you.  Take those opportunities today, live life now.
Let me know you thoughts on what I've written.  Hopefully you can share in my passion for this subject and we can learn and achieve our goals.  Start today, what are you waiting for?

Maria